This is the 3rd in a 6-essay series about Listening for Everything. Here is the landing page for the series.
Back in 2019, I posted a poll on my blog asking readers about their biggest listening challenge. The choices were multitasking, interrupting to finish someone's thought, jumping in with your own story, listening to solve, listening for a chance to give advice, and planning your response while the other person is still talking. I added one more option: "I'm actually a really good listener." Two people voted, so I'll go first.
My most common habit is asking a closed question and then answering it myself. Here's a real example: "Did you enjoy your road trip to Utah over New Year's? I imagine it was cold, but a nice chance to get away and spend time with your family?" That leaves the other person very little to say. I could have stopped after the first question, or better yet, asked, "How was your trip?" and let them tell me. When I catch myself doing this, I ask what I'm up to. Am I trying to read their mind? Am I trying to make the conversation more efficient by answering for them?
Another one is "I understand." When someone shares a hard situation, I sometimes cut in with "I totally understand." Most of the time, what I mean is that I've figured the person out, or their story has reminded me of my own. My mind has wandered to my experience and left theirs behind. From there it's a short step to waiting for a pause so I can share my similar story, or jumping in with "Have you tried...?" which is advice disguised as a question.
What helps me now are two of my favorite tools: "Tell me more" and "What else?" Talking less felt strange at first. It also taught me more about the people in my life than anything I could have said.
What helps me now are
two of my favorite tools:
"Tell me more" and "What else?"
The advice itch takes the most practice. A reader once commented on my blog that his instinct is to cut to the chase and fix the problem. Mine too. What works for me is to keep listening and asking questions until the person has run through their own ideas. Then I ask, "Would you like a suggestion from me?" If they say yes, I have an invitation, and I've listened fully before offering anything.
I'm still working on all of these. A favorite expression keeps me going: practice doesn't make perfect, but it does make new habits.
