This is the 5th in the 6-essay series about Listening for Everything. Here is the landing page for the series.
When I disagree with someone, my first instinct is to make my case. I line up my reasons, wait for my turn, and hope my brilliant, forceful logic will change the other person's mind.
Michael P. Nichols, in The Lost Art of Listening, describes another way. He calls it responsive listening: hearing the other person out, even when you don't agree or can't relate, and letting go of control over where the conversation ends up. It requires genuine interest in the person. He even suggests waiting until another day to share your own position.
Two questions help me do this: "What was your experience?" and "What else?" Both keep me curious about the person while my rebuttal waits on the bench. In my workshops I talk about listening to understand, rather than listening to respond, and about the difference between responding and reacting. You can see a short clip from one of those sessions:
Albert Bernstein, author of Dinosaur Brains, offers advice I use often, described by Scott Mautz in an Inc. article: over-explaining your side comes across as fighting back, so ask questions instead, and let the other person have the last word.
A few years ago, my Lyft driver, Jose, and I had a deep conversation about spending time with family and friends whose beliefs and values differ from our own. He told me his family still gets together, but they aren't as close as they used to be. Some topics are off limits. "We just don't go there." Keeping the peace that way has a cost, and the cost is less authentic connection.
For conversations that do go there, I've adapted Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. Be impeccable with your word, and watch your tone and body language for signs of judgment. Don't take anything personally, and give yourself credit for starting something hard. Don't make assumptions; ask instead. Always do your best, and if the other person isn't ready, walk away knowing you made the effort to connect.
I've been practicing debating from personal passion and conviction, without the goal of winning or changing anyone's mind. The result has been calmer emotions and more connection, even when we disagree strongly.
As we head into the holidays, a note from my 2019 blogger site, “How to listen even when you violently disagree” still holds: partners, offspring, and parents are extra-credit challenging. Casual friends and work colleagues are a good place to start. And if you try this at a family gathering, start early, before the wine is poured.
