This is the 4th in a 6-essay series about Listening for Everything. Here is the landing page for the series.
In my last essay about listening, I owned up to the habits I fall into instead of listening. This one is about what helps me most: good questions.
Fashion designer Patrick Robinson, whom I worked with years ago, greets people with "How's your world?" It's a small shift from "How are you?" and it changes the conversation. "How are you?" tends to get closed-ended responses such as, "fine." "How's your world?" lets the other person choose where to begin: work, family, a trip, a worry, a win. I've borrowed it more than a few times.
Back in 2019 on my blogger site, Listening for Everything, I put together a list of questions in three layers: Openers, Below the Surface, and Going Deep. An opener might be "What's the first concert you attended?" Below the surface, "What's been on your mind lately?" Going deep, "What is a dream you have that you've yet to achieve?" The deeper the question, the more listening it asks of us. A concert question invites light curiosity. A question about a dream calls for full attention and no rush to respond or advise.
How I ask matters too. Nick Wignall, who writes about listening and psychology, suggests starting questions with what or how instead of why, since why can leave people feeling questioned and judged. "Why are you upset?" becomes "How are you feeling?" The person hears an invitation to share.
A favorite question of mine consists of two words: "What else?" I use it in easy conversations and hard ones. When someone finishes a thought, "What else?" tells them I'm still listening and there's room for more. The second answer often goes deeper than the first.
If you'd like questions in hand, here are a few places to start. My full list of questions is here. For holiday parties and networking events, I also like Michael Thompson's 59 suggestions for better small talk.. Fair warning: if you see me at a party this season, I may try one on you. And for a longer conversation with someone you want to know better, there are the New York Times' 36 questions, which first appeared in 1997 as part of research into relationships and became widely known through Mandy Len Catron's 2015 Modern Love essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." They come in three sets of 12, each designed to increase how much a person shares about themselves. You don't have to be falling in love to use them.
